Come a little closer so you can see
Things aren't always what they seem to be
― Anonymous (via psych-quotes)
I’ve had such a wide vary of emotions lately and it’s really bugging me. I’m usually just above baseline in my day to day life, always feeling comfortably upbeat and tired, but recently I’ve just felt so different.
The pressures of School are getting to me, knowing that my marks in my classes will determine what college I get into, and then in turn how easy it will be to “succeed” . There are nights I spend two hours after practice just wasting time to avoid doing any schoolwork. I keep telling myself I’ll get in done in an hour and the next thing I know it’s midnight and I’ve gotten next to nothing done.
It’s like someone just threw all my emotions into a blender and made some strange concoction. Since at the same time, I’ve never felt so confident and ambitious in my life. While feeling stressed out I also feel so happy knowing how good I have it.
I don’t even know if It’s negative to be in this weird state, because I still never feel angry or spiteful, I just feel inward. It’s like I’m at some weird spiritual and personal crossroads where I know what’s wrong, I know what needs to change, but I cant muster the strength to do it.
I’ve rebuilt myself from my stupid mistakes in the summer, and totally mended and grown my relationship with my parents, I feel like they’ve restored their faith in me. Everything was just flowing for a few months, in terms of dealing with my work, excelling in practice, and living in the moment.
Then my mother, who I’ve seen conquer her own demons over the past few years, tells me she has cancer and needs to have her entire left breast removed. At first, I took the news well, as I usually have this inexplicable sense that everything is going to be alright. But then I saw the deterioration of her spirit, as well with my dad; who despite having a similar exterior to mine, I can always sense his outlook. He’s lost both his mother and his closet sister to cancer, and I know the news of my mom shook him.
As someone who gets his fun by jumping into the ring with better guys and trying not to get submitted in sambo. There’s still one thing that hurts.
It’s seeing my parents cry.
I’m just going to keep on keeping on, and focus on my training, school and moral support of my mom.